|Two to Toulouse |
Following announcement came on the gate: "This is the final boarding call for your Lufthansa flight LH 2222 to Toulouse."
Flight attendant to a passenger: "Would you like something to drink?" Passenger: "What are my choices?" Flight attendant: "Yes or No."
An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. Engines explode, plane starts going down. The teacher says: "Save the children!" The lawyer yells: "Fuck the children!" The Catholic priest looks around and whispers: "Is there time?"
|Pilot drinking |
A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. "I'd like a soda", said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something. "Yes", I would, he replied. "Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!"
|Madonna Fan |
A steward was thinking he was in a Madonna video. He was walking through the gangway and said: "Fasten your seat belts and strike the pose, fasten your seat belts and strike the pose!" The emergency instruction speech from him was like: "Emergency exits are left and right, just where your hand and feel the flight, Vogue!"
|Feel like |
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces: "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a women!" She removes all her clothing and asks: "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a women?" A man stand up, removes his shirt and says: "Here, iron this!"
|Unpleasant person |
A 50- something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black man. Disgusted, the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The woman said: "I cannot sit her next to his black man." The flight attendant said: "Let me see if I can find another seat." After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated: "Ma'am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there something in first class." About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated: "The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an unpleasant person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class." Before the women could say anything, the attendant gestured to the black man and said: "Therefore sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person." Passengers in the seats nearby began to applause while some gave a standing ovation.
|Man to fly |
If God had meant man to fly, he would have given him more money.
|God and Pilots |
What's the difference between God and pilots? God doesn't think he is a pilot.
|Thank you |
A passenger after landing: "Finally landed safely! Thank you Jesus!" Jesus: "I wasn't flying the damn plane. Thank your pilot."
A passanger was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passanger, if would like dinner. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no", she replied.
|No Exit |
An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the closet, one is the bathroom, and one has a sign on it that says Do Not Disturb."
|Who I am |
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said: "I have to be on this flight and it has to be First Class." The agent replied: "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear: "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14!" With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said: "F**** You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said: "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
|Luggage goodbye |
"Why is the mistletoe hanging over the baggage counter?" asked the airline passenger. The clerk replied, "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
|FAA Inspector |
An FAA (Federal Aviation Administration) Inspector walked into a doctor's office with a frog on his head. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" And the frog said, "Take this wart off my butt."
|Luggage routing |
A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the check-in agent: "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle." "I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that," said the ticket agent. "Why not? You did it the last time!"
|Business trips |
One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in from angry wives asking: "What trip?"
|Did we land |
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying XYZ airline.' He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady, walking with a cane. She said: "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am", said the pilot "what is it?" The little old lady said: "Did we land or were we shot down?"
|Thanks for flying |
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XY airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sorry, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?"
|Farmer and his wife |
In the early 1930?s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."
|Blonde in a plane |
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, Boeing Boeing! Boeing! Boeing!" She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cockpit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, Oeing! Oeing! Oeing! Oeing!"
|Flight instructor |
A photographer for a magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," the photographer demanded, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" barked the photographer. "I'm a photographer. Photographers take pictures." Seemingly confused, the pilot retorted, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
|Parrot on the plane |
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or Ill kick you." The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
|Taking Pictures |
A photographer for a national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a big forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Lets go! Lets go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because Im going to take pictures! Im a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean youre not my instructor?"
|Flying blonde |
A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and Im starting to get the hang of this." After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
|First class seat |
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
A TV journalist is interviewing a elderly former Polish pilot: Interviewer: "So Mr. Stanczewski, I understand that in 1943 you shot down five German aircraft in a single engagement. Could you tell us what happened?" Polish Pilot: "Well we were flying at 20'000 feet when we spotted five Fokkers flying along below us. So we dove down and I aimed at one of the Fokkers and fired a burst from my machine guns right into him and he exploded. Then I saw that one of the Fokkers was on my tail, so I pulled round in a loop and got behind him, and fired and he went down on fire. I looked around and saw two Fokkers attacking my squadron leader, so slipped in behind them, and fired, and that was another Fokker going down in flames. The other Fokker tried to get away from me, but I got right up behind him, and blasted him with my machine guns and he turned over and exploded. There was only one of the Fokkers left now, and he was trying to get away, but I flew up behind him, shot - bang, bang, bang - and he blew up too!" Interviewer: "I should point out for the benefit of the viewers at home, that the Fokker was a type of German aircraft used in the war." Polish Pilot: "No, no!! These fokkers were Messerschmitts!"
|Short joke |
Never trade luck for skill.
|More planes |
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.
|Aircraft is safely |
How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp? Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.
|Enough power |
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
|Ways to leave |
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft."
|Last words |
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are, "Why is it doing that?" "Where are we?" and "Ooh Shit!"
It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the South. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me. "What are my choices?" he asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him. "Can't you do something?" she demanded angrily. "I'm sorry ma'am," the reverend said gently, "I'm in sales, not management."
|Redneck in flight |
A Redneck was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, over-sized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. "Do you always carry such heavy luggage?" she sighed. "No more," redneck said. "Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!"
|New pilot |
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
|Oversize luggage |
A flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage. "When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem." The flight attendant smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."
|Send suitcase to |
A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London." The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that." "Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
|Little airplane |
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
|Just ask me |
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
Airplane passengers watch nervously as two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit. The plane starts down the runway, and the passengers begin to become sore afraid as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit the pilots high-five. "You know," says one pilot to the other, "one day they're going to scream too late and we're all gonna die."
|I want a drink |
An airline passenger flags down a flight steward and says, "Captain, I want a drink, but I have not seen the stewardess anywhere around." The steward answers, "Actually, I am not the captain. This airline is proud to have integrated many of the traditional male-female roles of the industry. I would be happy to get you a drink." "Wow, what does the captain think of that?" "She is all for it," explains the flight steward. "In fact, the entire flight crew is female." "I don't believe it! Take me up to the cockpit so I can see for myself!" "Actually sir," coughs the steward, "we don't call it that anymore."
|From a pilot |
"I was in the pattern at FXE one night and I heard an aircraft taxiing out from Banyan Air Service tell the tower that he saw some debris on the taxiway. As the aircraft got closer the pilot said it looked like a pair of goggles on the taxiway. Discussion then ensued between the aircraft, the tower and the security guard in a truck being vectored to the location, about what type of goggles, Scuba, Snoopy type Flying goggles, Foggles etc. Once it was established that they were flying goggles or foggles the controller asked if any other debris was sighted and the pilot said no but he would be on the lookout for any doghouse parts or a beagle on the run."
|Dis we land |
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" "Did we land or were we shot down?"
|Working for an airline |
"I see that you work for the airlines. What do you do? Are you a mechanic?" "Well, no. I empty the honey buckets. I operate the equipment that removes human waste from incoming aircraft." "You must get paid plenty to do a job like that." "Are you kidding? I don't get paid jack." "Well, at least the benefits must be good." "Benefits? There aren't any. We have to buy our own medical insurance. Our retirement plan has been terminated. I only get one space-available pass per year for me and my family, and when we try to fly somewhere during my vacation, we always get bumped. The benefits stink." "So why don't you quit and get a better job somewhere else?" "What? Leave aviation?"
|Cup of coffee |
A plane was taking off from Kennedy airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, now sit back and relax. "OH MY GOD!" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
|Baby airplanes |
A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time and slightly annoyed , smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "yes she did." "Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now have your Mom explain that to you."
|Only three doors |
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
|Female pilot |
The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination." Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit." "That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit." "It's the Box office."
|Flight passes through a storm |
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse; a wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then, she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare. All eyes are riveted on the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a cowboy from Baton Rouge, Louisiana stands up in the rear. He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle. As he does, he unbuttons his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps. He whispers, "Iron this....and then get me a beer."
|Parrot strapped |
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke... NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"
|The pilot's plan |
A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay". He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long." Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry dear. He's gotta take a shit first."
|Irate customer |
For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer or have been one, this one is for you: A crowded airline flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I have to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS!" The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out. Please go to the end of the line." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airline agent, gritted his teeth and swore, fuck you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
|Why I am a pilot |
A 65 year old man went to the doctor for his Class II exam and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a helicopter pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape. I 'm up well before daylight, climb all over the helicopter doing my preflight inspection, flying all day, etc." The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 65 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 84 yrs old and, in fact, he built and flies his own airplane and he went flying with me this morning. That's why he's still alive... he's a pilot too!" The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean your dad is 84 years old and his father is still living! How old is he?" The old timer said, "Grandpa is 102 years old and he was a pilot too." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went flying with you this morning too?" The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he just got married and he's on his honeymoon." The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 102-year-old guy want to get married?" The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
|Top Ten Strategies For Avoiding Your Airline Seatmate
- Avoid Eye Contact
- Pretend to Speak Another Language
- Cough Repeatedly
- Wear Headphones
- Pretend to Be Asleep
- Pretend to Be Deaf
- Don't Bathe Before Your Flight
- Appear to Be Crazy
- Sit In The Head the Entire Flight
- Buy Two Seats, Leave One Empty
|Murphy's Travel Laws
- No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
- If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
- If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
- Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
- If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
- If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
- Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
- The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
- The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
- The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
|You'll know it's a No-Frills airline if
- They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
- All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
- Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
- You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
- Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
- The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
- When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
- The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
- Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
- You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
- No movie. Don't need one.
- All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
|The ten commandments of aviation
- Thou shalt abstain from the intersection takeoff for, verily, the runway behind thee, as the altitude above thee, cometh not to thine aid when thou needest them.
- Thou shalt not linger on active runways lest thou become like unto ground sirloin.
- Ignorest thou not thy checklists for many are the switches, handles, gauges and other demons awaiting to take cruel vengeance upon thee.
- Thou shalt cast thine eyes to thy right and also to thy left as thou passeth through the firmament lest thy fellow pilots bring flowers to thy widow and comfort her in other ways.
- Buzzeth not, for this shall surely incur the wrath of thy neighbors and the fury of the FAA shall be called down upon thy head.
- Thou shalt be ever mindful of thy fuel lest there be nothing in thy tank to sustain thee upon the air and thy days be made short.
- Trust not thine eyes to lead thee through the cloud lest the Archangel Gabriel await thee therein.
- Thou shalt not trespass into the thunderstorm lest the tempest rend the wings from thy chariot and cast thee naked into the firmament.
- Put not thy trust in weather prophets, for when the truth is not in, then they shall not accompany thee among thy ancestors.
- Often shalt thou confirm thine airspeed on final lest the earth rise up and smite thee.
|Working in the airline industry
REMARKS: The only difference is the prostitutes can take Christmas and New Year's Eve off and they actually DO make a lot of Money!
- We work in weird shifts... Like prostitutes
- They pay you to make the client happy... Like a prostitute
- The client pays a lot of money, but your employer keeps almost every penny... Like a prostitute
- You are rewarded tor fulfilling the client's dreams... Like a prostitute
- Your friends fall apart and you end up hanging out with people in the same profession as you... Like a prostitute
- When you have to meet the client you always have to be perfectly groomed Like a prostitute
- But when you go back horne it seems like you are coming back from hell... Like a prostitute
- The client always wants to pay less but expects incredible things from you... Like a prostitute
- When people ask you about your Job, you have difficulties to explain it... Like a prostitute
- Everyday when you wake up, you say: I'M NOT GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE DOING THIS" ... Like a prostitute
If you know someone in the airline industry please share this page with them so they don't feel bad anymore... Like a prostitute
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers
Basic Flying Rules
Progress in airline flying; Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter-and therefore, unsafe.
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee.
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.
When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.
Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.
The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)
A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic pilot)
If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)
Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing (sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan).
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime (sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)
"Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up, the pilot dies.
Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
- Try to stay in the middle of the air.
- Do not go near the edges of it.
- The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
|Rules of flying
- Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
- If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
- Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
- It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
- The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
- The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
- When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
- A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
- Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
- You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
- The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
- Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
- STAY OUT OF CLOUDS! The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
- Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
- There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
- You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
- Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
- If all you can see out the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
- In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
- Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
- It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
- Keep looking around. There is always something you have missed. Isn't that why they created checklists!
- Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It is the law and it is not subject to repeal.
- The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, the runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.
- There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. However, there are no old, bold pilots.
- When you are lost....Climb, Conserve and Confess. (Actual line from the U.S. Navy SNJ training manual.)
The Pilot Rules
The Pilot always makes The Rules.
The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No Co-Pilot can possibly know all The Rules.
If the Pilot suspects the Co-Pilot knows all The Rules he must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
The Pilot is never wrong.
If the Pilot is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding wich was a direct result of something the Co-Pilot did or said wrong.
The Co-Pilot must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
The Pilot may change his mind at any time.
The Co-Pilot must never change his mind withour the express written consent of the Pilot.
The Pilot has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The Co-Pilot must remain calm at all times unless the Pilot wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The Co-Pilot is expected to mind read at all times.
The Pilot is ready when he is ready.
The Co-Pilot mus be ready at all times.
Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
The Co-Pilot who doesn't abide by The Rules is grounded.
For all you frequent flyers
Plane Stuff - New Airline Rules
Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
Passenger: What for?
Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.
Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.
Passenger: No way!
Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?
Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?
Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.
Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?
Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.
Aircraft Service Requests and Responses
After every flight, pilots pilots fill out a form, know as a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actuallogged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
Problem as Reported: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
Service Response: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
Problem as Reported: Aircraft handles funny.
Service Response: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Problem as Reported: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Service Response: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Problem as Reported: Something loose in cockpit.
Service Response: Something tightened in cockpit.
Problem as Reported: Dead bugs on windshield.
Service Response: Live bugs on back order.
Problem as Reported: The autopilot doesn't.
Service Response: It does now.
Problem as Reported: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent.
Service Response: Can not reproduce problem on ground.
Problem as Reported: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Service Response: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.
Problem as Reported: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Service Response: Evidence removed.
Problem as Reported: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Service Response: That's what friction locks are for.
Problem as Reported: Pilot's clock inoperative.
Service Response: Wound clock.
Problem as Reported: No. 2 ADF needle runs wild.
Service Response: Caught and tamed No. 2 ADF needle.
Problem as Reported: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Service Response: DME volume set to more believable level.
Problem as Reported: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Service Response: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem as Reported: Dead bugs on windshield.
Service Response: Live bugs on backorder.
Problem as Reported: Suspected crack in windshield.
Service Response: Suspect you're right.
Problem as Reported: Unfamiliar noise coming from No. 2 engine.
Service Response: Ran engine for two hours. Noise now familiar.
Problem as Reported: Noise coming from No. 2 engine. Sounds like a man with a little hammer.
Service Response: Took little hammer away from man in No. 2 engine.
Problem as Reported: Whinney noise coming from No. 2 engine compartment.
Service Response: Returned little hammer to man in No. 2 engine.
Problem as Reported: Number 3 engine missing.
Service Response: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Problem as Reported: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Service Response: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
Problem as Reported: Whinning sound heard on engine shutdown.
Service Response: Pilot removed from aircraft.
Problem as Reported: Target radar hums.
Service Response: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Problem as Reported: Weather radar went ape.
Service Response: Opened radar, let ape out.
Problem as Reported: Mouse in cockpit.
Service Response: Cat installed.
Problem as Reported: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Service Response: Took hammer away from midget.
Problem as Reported: Three roaches in cabin.
Service Response: Two roaches killed, one wounded and missing in action.
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