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TravelJokes.net - Humor, Jokes and Funnies about traveling

Travel Jokes


Here are 46 travel jokes.



Travel saying

I need vitamin sea.




Travel saying

Life is better in Flip Flops.




Irish family vacation

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.




How was holiday

"My holiday break was okay. How was yours?" - "Not long enough, it never is. I spent the time with my parents. I got clothes and a new phone case for Christmas. My New Years resolution is to talk to less people."




Safari

A hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. In a worried state, she awakens her husband and they both set off to find the old woman. Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion! "Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!" "Oh, no,"the husband says: "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!




Mother-in-law

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. An undertaker told them: "You can have her shipped home for 5000 Dollar, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for 150 Dollar." The man thought about it for a while and then told him: "I see. Well, you'd better ship her home then." The undertaker asked: "Why? Why would you spend 5000 Dollar to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and only spend 150 Dollar?" The man said: "A man died 2000 years ago. He was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"




Cat care

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband at home. Before she left, she reminded him to take extra special care of her beloved cat. When she arrived to her destination, she called her husband and asked if everything was alright, to which he responded: "The cat just died!" She burst into tears and asked how he could be so blunt? "Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually? Today you could have said it was playing on the roof tomorrow you could have said it fell off the roof and broken it's leg, then on the third day, you could have said it passed away during the night!" "By the way, how's my mother?" She asked. He hesitated, then responded: "She's playing on the roof!"




Priests on vacation

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon hit the beach. They notice a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers," she says as she strolls by. The men are stunned. How does she know they're clergy? Later they buy even wilder attire: surfer shorts, tie-dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses. The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blonde, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them, and says: "Good morning, Fathers." "Just a minute, young lady," says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?" "Don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Kathryn from the convent."




A blonde on vacation

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said angrily: "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper smiled and replied: "Go ahead! Try to catch a really big one while you're at it!" Later that day while on his way home, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in a swamp, shotgun in hand. He stopped to look, and just then he saw an enormous alligator swimming toward the blonde. She took aim at the alligator, and bam! She scored a perfect bulls-eye, and with some effort managed to haul the alligator onto the swamp bank. The shopkeeper suddenly noticed that several more of the dead creatures were lying around the blonde. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"




Elderly couple

An elderly couple is flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary. Suddenly, the captain announces over the public address system: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to say that I have some bad news. Our engines are malfunctioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives." Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks: "Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?" "No, sweetheart,"she responds. Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks: "Did we pay our credit card bill yet?" "Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check,"she says. "One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, sweetheart," begged the wife. "I didn't send that one, either." The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him: "What was the hug for?" The husband answers: "Don't you see? The debt collectors will find us!"




American in Mexico

A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico, and spends his day roaming around, taking in the sights. In the evening he goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he sits there sipping his tequila, he notices that the couple at the table next to him are being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter replied: "Ah, Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!" The Texan said: "Well, what the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied: "I am so sorry, Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said: "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied: "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."




Business trip

A man was away on a business trip, and decided to call his wife to let her know he had arrived safely. A little girl picks up the phone. "Hello?" "Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" Daddy asks. "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says: "But, honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Dad takes a second to process this, then speaks: "Uh, OK, then this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy!" "And what happened, honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." A long, silent pause. Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"




American in Paris

An American on vacation in Paris is having breakfast at a cafe one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread?" American: "Of course." Frenchman keeps loudly chewing his gum, and says: "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, remake them into croissants and sell them to the States." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence. The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with your bread?" American: "Of course." The Frenchman keeps chewing his gum, and says: "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, remake them into jam, and sell the jam to the States." After a moment of silence, the American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?" Frenchman: "Why of course we do," he says with a big smirk. American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course." American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."




Mail message

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife set to fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent it. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife - Date: January 19, 2018 - Subject: I've Arrived - I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!




Zoo

In 1993, Dave Parker was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Kentucky State University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dave approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dave worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dave stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Dave never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Dave was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dave and his son Jake were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dave, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1993, Dave could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dave summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dave's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.




Men in Sudan

An American, a Frenchman and an Englishman are all in Saudi Arabia sharing a smuggled crate of booze, when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Englishman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the Englishman had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Englishman in horror, he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." The two pillows absorbed all the lashings, and the Frenchman walked away unhurt and sneering at the silly Englishman. The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your women are the finest in all the lands. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave", the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?"the Sheikh asked. The American smiled and said: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."




Computer engineer

A workaholic computer engineer from California finally decided to take a vacation. He was enjoying a relaxing cruise in the Caribbean when a hurricane came up suddenly, causing his ship to sink. He awoke to find himself washed up on the beach of an apparently uninhabited island, where there was nothing to eat or drink but bananas and coconuts. The computer engineer was used to four star hotels, and had no idea how he would survive in this new environment. For the next four months he subsisted on bananas and coconut juice while he waited to be rescued. One day, as he was gazing forlornly out to sea, a small boat came around the island, paddled by the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She was tall, tanned, and her lustrous hair floated on the gentle sea breeze. He called out and waved, and she beached the boat. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She said: "I rowed from the other side of the island. I was washed up on this island when my cruise ship sank four months ago." "Amazing", he said. "I didn't know that anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have that rowboat wash up with you." "It's only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up - nothing did." "Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" "l made the rowboat out of raw materials that I found on the island," replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree." "But, but...", stuttered the man, "where did you get the tools and hardware?" "That was no problem", replied the woman. "On the south side of this island is an exposed stratum of alluvial rock. I found that it yielded forgeable ductile iron when I fired it in my kiln, and I was able to make simple tools. But never mind that", she said, "where do you live?" The computer engineer confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place", she said. So they got into the boat and rowed over to her side of island. She tied up the rowboat to a sturdy wharf with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walkway and around a palm tree to an exquisite little bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, she said, "but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No thanks", said the man, "I'll puke if I have to drink any more coconut juice." "It won't be coconut juice", the woman replied. "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Amazed, the man accepted, and they sat down on her comfortable couch to talk. After a while the woman asked: "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No", the man replied. "I was clean shaven all my life, even on the cruise ship." "Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." The engineer, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs and found a razor crafted from a bone handle and two shells honed to a fine edge. He shaved, showered and went back downstairs. "You look great", said the woman. "I think I'll go slip into something more comfortable." The man happily sipped on his Pina Colada, and soon the woman returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me", she said. "We have both been out here for a long time without companionship. You must know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely? Isn't there anything that you really miss? A basic human need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?" The engineer's eyes brightened and his nostrils flared. "There certainly is", he said excitedly, moving closer and fixing her with an intense gaze. "Do you mean to tell me that you have an Internet connection here too?"




Cash, Ash

Dear Icelanders. You misunderstood. We said: Give us cash. Not: Give us ash.




Brain

My brain is like the Bermuda Triangle. Information goes in and then it's never found again.




Week

This is how the week goes: Moooooooooooooonday, Tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuesday, Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeednsesday, Thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurdsday, FridaySaturdaySunday




Tourist Attraction

Tourists on a boat tour to see wild killer whales. Tour Guide: "If anyone has any questions during the charter, I would be happy to answer them." Tourist: "So, when does the show start?" Tour Guide: "Sorry?" Tourist: "The show. You know, like Shamu und stuff?" Tour Guide: "You do know that these are wild animals, right?" Tourist: "I don't understand." Tour Guide: "These are wild animals. They don't do tricks like you would see in an aquarium." Tourist: "They don't?" Tour Guide: "No. They do not." Tourist: "Oh, I see. So when do you feed them?" Tour Guide: "We don't feed these animals. They are wild. They feed themselves." Tourist: "I thought you said they didn't do tricks."




Vacation

I need a six month vacation, twice a year.




Topless

Women are legally allowed to be topless in Hawaii, Texas, Ohio, New York and Maine. Plan your next vacation wisely.




Check-in

A man told to the lady by the check-in counter: "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles and send one to Miami." She said: "We can't to that!" The man told her: "You did it las month!"




Aligators and flashlights

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" "That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."




Downstairs

A passenger asked on the information counter on the airport: "Excuse me, where is downstairs?" Answer from the counter lady: "Downstairs is downstairs and here is upstairs." Answer of the passenger: "I thank you." and was gone.




Jaguar tracks

"Look, guide, here are some Jaguar tracks." - "Good. You see where they go and I’ll find out where they came from."




Flies

Tourist: "The flies are awfully thick around here. Don’t you ever shoo them?" Native: "No, we just let them go barefoot."




Crocodile won't attack

A tourist was being led through the jungles of South America. "Is it true", he asked, "that a crocodile won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" "That depends", replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."




Tourist in New York

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!" "OK," the man says, "You take the front and I`ll take the back."




Over five years

A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here." "I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the waiter with typical New York charm. "I can only serve one table at a time."




No vacaine

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want no vacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."




Newspaper

The shipwrecked mariner had spent a number of years on a deserted island somewhere in South America. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."




Real Smart Answer

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."




Yanks in London

Two Yanks touring London in a taxi. "What is that?" asked one of the Yank's. "Why that is Buckingham Palace", answered the taxi driver. "Well you should see the states we have much bigger houses over there, and that?" - "That is the Post Office Tower." - "Oh our towers are much bigger." This went on for much of the day until they went past a another building. "Our buildings are much bigger than that one too." I thought it might be said the taxi driver: "That is the mental institute."




Hiking in the mountains

Two friends are hiking in the mountains. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired. Peter wakes up deep into the night, wakes John and says "John, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?" John yawns and tries to play the game. "Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny." - "No, my friend. It's much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent."




Temple

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Inca temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is. "This temple is 553 years old", replies the guide. Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure. "Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 550 years old, and that was three years ago."




Pronounce

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it – KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand." The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."




Texan farmer in Australia

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"




Tiny bells

In Alaska's National Forests, a tourists guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory: "Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting surprise can be catastrophic." To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. "Also," he said further, "be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings." One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?" "Oh that's easy," the guide explained, "it's the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"




Top 10 dumb questions not to ask on a cruiseship
  • Do these steps go up or down?
  • What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
  • Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
  • Does the crew sleep on the ship?
  • Is this island completely surrounded by water?
  • Does the ship make its own electricity?
  • Is it salt water in the toilets?
  • What elevation are we at?
  • There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day... the question asked..."If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?"
  • What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?


Heaven vs. Hell

Heaven is where:
the police are British,
the chefs Italian,
the mechanics German,
the lovers French,
and it is all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where:
the police are German,
the chefs British,
the mechanics French,
the lovers Swiss,
and it is all organized by the Italian.




Travel brochures
There is an art in writing travel brochures, as well as a matching art in reading them. Without wishing to suggest that the following translations always apply, you might find the following terms to be of wry amusement.

Brochure Term    --    Translation
Old world charm    --    No bath
Tropical    --    Rainy
Majestic setting    --    A long way from town
Options galore    --    Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway    --    Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms    --    Already occupied
Explore on your own    --    Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts    --    They've flown before
No extra fees    --    No extras
Nominal charge    --    Outrageous charge
Standard    --    Substandard
Deluxe    --    Standard
Superior    --    Two free shower caps
All the amenities    --    One free shower cap
Plush    --    Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes    --    Gale-force winds
Light and airy    --    No air conditioning
Picturesque    --    Theme park nearby
Open bar    --    Free ice cubes



Letter from a Bayern to the NASA
Greet God,

I write you, because you must help me. I have seen your Space Shuttle in the television. In color. And so came me the idea to make holiday's in der world-room. Alone. Without my crazy wife. I am the Kraxlhuber. The King of Bavaria was my clock-clock grandfather. I stand on a very bad foot with my wife. Always she shouts with me. She has a shrill voice like a circle saw. She lets no good hair at me. She says I am a Schlapp-tail. She wants that I become Bürgermaster. But I want not be Bürgermaster. I have nothing at the hat with the political shit. I want my Ruah. And so I want make holidays on the moon. Without my bad half. But I take my dog with me. He is a boxer. His name is Wurstl. So I want book a flight in your next space Shuttle. But please give me not a window place. I would kotz you the rocket full, because I am not swindle-free. And no standing-place please...

And please do not tell my wife that I want go alone. She has a big Schrotgun. She would make a sieve from my ass. I need not much comfort. A nice double-room with bath and kloo and heating. And windows with look to the earth. So I can look through my farglass and see my wife working on the potato field. And I and my dog laugh us a branch (h&amli;h&amli;). We will kringel our self before laughing (höhöhö). Is what loose on the moon? I need worm weather and I hope the sun shines every day. This is very good for my frostboils.

With friendly Servus

Xaver




Wrong Wife
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an email, but due to his haste, he made an error in the email address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before! When the grieving widow opened her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.




Prayer for Tourists
Heavenly Father, look down on your humble, obedient tourist servants, who are doomed to travel this earth, taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs and walking around in drip-dry underwear!
Give us this day divine guidance In the selection of our hotels, that we may find our reservations honored, our rooms made up and hot water running from the faucets!
We pray that the telephones work and the operators speak our tongue.
Lead us, dear Lord, to good, Inexpensive restaurants where the food is superb, the waiters friendly and the wine included in the price.
Give us the wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not understand. Forgive us for over tipping out of ignorance and over-tipping out of fear. Make the natives love us for what we are, and not for what we can contribute to their worldly goods.
Grant us the strength to visit the museums, the cathedrals, the places and castles listed as 'musts' in the guidebooks. And if per chance we skip a historic monument to take a nap after lunch, have mercy on us, for our flesh is weak!

For Husbands only
Dear God, keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them from 'bargains' they don't need or can't afford. Lead them not to temptations for they know not what they do!

For Wives onyl
Almighty Father, keep our husbands from looking at foreign women and comparing them to us. Save them from making fools of themselves in cafes and night clubs. Above all do not forgive them their trespasses for they know exactly what they do.

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