|Cash, Ash |
Dear Icelanders. You misunderstood. We said: Give us cash. Not: Give us ash.
My brain is like the Bermuda Triangle. Information goes in and then it's never found again.
This is how the week goes: Moooooooooooooonday, Tuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuesday, Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeednsesday, Thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurdsday, FridaySaturdaySunday
|Tourist Attraction |
Tourists on a boat tour to see wild killer whales. Tour Guide: "If anyone has any questions during the charter, I would be happy to answer them." Tourist: "So, when does the show start?" Tour Guide: "Sorry?" Tourist: "The show. You know, like Shamu und stuff?" Tour Guide: "You do know that these are wild animals, right?" Tourist: "I don't understand." Tour Guide: "These are wild animals. They don't do tricks like you would see in an aquarium." Tourist: "They don't?" Tour Guide: "No. They do not." Tourist: "Oh, I see. So when do you feed them?" Tour Guide: "We don't feed these animals. They are wild. They feed themselves." Tourist: "I thought you said they didn't do tricks."
I need a six month vacation, twice a year.
Women are legally allowed to be topless in Hawaii, Texas, Ohio, New York and Maine. Plan your next vacation wisely.
A man told to the lady by the check-in counter: "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles and send one to Miami." She said: "We can't to that!" The man told her: "You did it las month!"
|Aligators and flashlights |
A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" "That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."
A passenger asked on the information counter on the airport: "Excuse me, where is downstairs?" Answer from the counter lady: "Downstairs is downstairs and here is upstairs." Answer of the passenger: "I thank you." and was gone.
|Jaguar tracks |
"Look, guide, here are some Jaguar tracks." - "Good. You see where they go and Ill find out where they came from."
Tourist: "The flies are awfully thick around here. Dont you ever shoo them?" Native: "No, we just let them go barefoot."
|Crocodile won't attack |
A tourist was being led through the jungles of South America. "Is it true", he asked, "that a crocodile won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" "That depends", replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."
|Tourist in New York |
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!" "OK," the man says, "You take the front and I`ll take the back."
|Over five years |
A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here." "I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the waiter with typical New York charm. "I can only serve one table at a time."
|No vacaine |
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want no vacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
The shipwrecked mariner had spent a number of years on a deserted island somewhere in South America. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
|Real Smart Answer |
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are
very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
|Yanks in London |
Two Yanks touring London in a taxi. "What is that?" asked one of the Yank's. "Why that is Buckingham Palace", answered the taxi driver. "Well you should see the states we have much bigger houses over there, and that?" - "That is the Post Office Tower." - "Oh our towers are much bigger." This went on for much of the day until they went past a another building. "Our buildings are much bigger than that one too." I thought it might be said the taxi driver: "That is the mental institute."
|Hiking in the mountains |
Two friends are hiking in the mountains. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired. Peter wakes up deep into the night, wakes John and says "John, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?" John yawns and tries to play the game. "Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny." - "No, my friend. It's much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent."
A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Inca temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is. "This temple is 553 years old", replies the guide. Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure. "Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 550 years old, and that was three years ago."
A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand." The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
|Texan farmer in Australia |
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
|Tiny bells |
In Alaska's National Forests, a tourists guide was giving a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory: "Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting surprise can be catastrophic." To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. "Also," he said further, "be especially cautious when you see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings." One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?" "Oh that's easy," the guide explained, "it's the ones with all the tiny bells in them!"
|Top 10 dumb questions not to ask on a cruiseship
- Do these steps go up or down?
- What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
- Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
- Does the crew sleep on the ship?
- Is this island completely surrounded by water?
- Does the ship make its own electricity?
- Is it salt water in the toilets?
- What elevation are we at?
- There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day... the question asked..."If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?"
- What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
|Heaven vs. Hell
Heaven is where:
the police are British,
the chefs Italian,
the mechanics German,
the lovers French,
and it is all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where:
the police are German,
the chefs British,
the mechanics French,
the lovers Swiss,
and it is all organized by the Italian.
There is an art in writing travel brochures, as well as a matching art in reading them. Without wishing to suggest that the following translations always apply, you might find the following terms to be of wry amusement.
Brochure Term -- Translation
Old world charm -- No bath
Tropical -- Rainy
Majestic setting -- A long way from town
Options galore -- Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway -- Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms -- Already occupied
Explore on your own -- Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts -- They've flown before
No extra fees -- No extras
Nominal charge -- Outrageous charge
Standard -- Substandard
Deluxe -- Standard
Superior -- Two free shower caps
All the amenities -- One free shower cap
Plush -- Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes -- Gale-force winds
Light and airy -- No air conditioning
Picturesque -- Theme park nearby
Open bar -- Free ice cubes
Letter from a Bayern to the NASA
I write you, because you must help me. I have seen your Space Shuttle in the television. In color. And so came me the idea to make holiday's in der world-room. Alone. Without my crazy wife. I am the Kraxlhuber. The King of Bavaria was my clock-clock grandfather. I stand on a very bad foot with my wife. Always she shouts with me. She has a shrill voice like a circle saw. She lets no good hair at me. She says I am a Schlapp-tail. She wants that I become Bürgermaster. But I want not be Bürgermaster. I have nothing at the hat with the political shit. I want my Ruah. And so I want make holidays on the moon. Without my bad half. But I take my dog with me. He is a boxer. His name is Wurstl. So I want book a flight in your next space Shuttle. But please give me not a window place. I would kotz you the rocket full, because I am not swindle-free. And no standing-place please...
And please do not tell my wife that I want go alone. She has a big Schrotgun. She would make a sieve from my ass. I need not much comfort. A nice double-room with bath and kloo and heating. And windows with look to the earth. So I can look through my farglass and see my wife working on the potato field. And I and my dog laugh us a branch (h&amli;h&amli;). We will kringel our self before laughing (höhöhö). Is what loose on the moon? I need worm weather and I hope the sun shines every day. This is very good for my frostboils.
With friendly Servus
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain. Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an email, but due to his haste, he made an error in the email address. His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before! When the grieving widow opened her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
Prayer for Tourists
Heavenly Father, look down on your humble, obedient tourist servants, who are doomed to travel this earth, taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs and walking around in drip-dry underwear!
Give us this day divine guidance In the selection of our hotels, that we may find our reservations honored, our rooms made up and hot water running from the faucets!
We pray that the telephones work and the operators speak our tongue.
Lead us, dear Lord, to good, Inexpensive restaurants where the food is superb, the waiters friendly and the wine included in the price.
Give us the wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not understand. Forgive us for over tipping out of ignorance and over-tipping out of fear. Make the natives love us for what we are, and not for what we can contribute to their worldly goods.
Grant us the strength to visit the museums, the cathedrals, the places and castles listed as 'musts' in the guidebooks.
And if per chance we skip a historic monument to take a nap after lunch, have mercy on us, for our flesh is weak!
For Husbands only
Dear God, keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them from 'bargains' they don't need or can't afford. Lead them not to temptations for they know not what they do!
For Wives onyl
Almighty Father, keep our husbands from looking at foreign women and comparing them to us. Save them from making fools of themselves in cafes and night clubs. Above all do not forgive them their trespasses for they know exactly what they do.
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