Travel Agency Jokes

French client: "Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?" Travel agent: "Only at Christmas."

"I am never flying to Jamaica with Airtours again. It took us nine hours, but it only took the Americans three hours."

Client: "Will I be able to speak English most places I go in the USA?" Travel agent: "Yes, but you'll have to learn it first."

Swedish client: "Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?" Travel agent: "So it's true what they say about Swedes."

Client: "Hello. How long is the flight from London to New York" Travel agent: "Um…. Just a minute." Client: "Thank you. A minute, wow."

USA client: "Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street when I visit Australia?" Travel agent: "Depends how much you've been drinking."

I got a call from a wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

Swedish client: "I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?" Travel agent: "Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water."

Italy client: "Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population?" Travel agent: "Yes, gay nightclubs."

A New Hampshire Congresswoman asked me to book her an aisle seat on the airplane. She did not want her hair to get messed up by being near the window.

USA client: "Which direction is North in Australia?" Travel agent: "Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions."

German client: "Are there supermarkets in Sydney, and is milk available all year round? " Travel agent: "No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal."

UK client: "Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?" Travel agent: "What did your last slave die of?"

UK client: "Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow?" Travel agent: "We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die."

USA client: "Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?" Travel agent: "Austria is that quaint little country bordering Germany, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races."

USA client: "Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum." Travel agent: "Rattlesnakes live in America, which is where you come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets."

USA client: "Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?" Travel agent: "Africa is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Australia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross."

An Illinois Congresswoman called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33 am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we booked for him. I asked for details of what was wrong with the hotel in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I am looking at the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"

An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I looked at the reservation, I noticed that they only had a one-hour stop-over Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car for just an hour, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

I got a call from a Congress man, who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain that he needed a passport. He interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make him lose face, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa." Her response - click, the phone went dead.

A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't , I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A New Yorker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight, I think that is very rude." After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. I thought under my breath, a good job she wasn't going to Show Low airport in Arizona (SOW).

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she answered. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a man who asked: "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

"A woman called and said: "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

I just got off the phone with a man who asked: "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response was click.

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called and asked: "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said: "No, why do you ask?" She replied: "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

Complaint letter
Dear Signore Direttore,
Noaw I am tella you a story wot I was a-treated at your hotella.
I am a-comma from Roma as a tourist to Los Angeles and stay as a younga christian man at your hotella. When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed - how can I sleep with no shit in my bed? So I calla down to receptione and tella. "I wanta shit!" They tella me: "Go to toilet!" I say: "No, no I wanta shit in my bed!" They say: "You'd better not shit in you'r bed, you sonna-wa-bitch!" What is sonna-wa-bitch?
I go down for breakfast into ristorante. I order beacon and egga and two pissis af toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella the waitress and point at toast: "I wanta piss!" She tella me: "Go to toilet!" I say: "No, no I wanta piss on my plate!" She then say to me: "You'd bloody wella not piss on the plate, you sonna-wa-bitch!"
That is the second person who do not even know calla me "sonna-wa-bitch", and why is your staff replying "Go to toilet", is that a modern tella? I do not understand, please tella me.
Later I go for dinner in your ristorante. Spoon ar knife is laid out, but no fock. I tella the Waitress: "I wanta fock!" She tella me: "Sure.everyone want to fock!" I tella her: "No,no, you dont understanda me, I wanta fock on the table!" She tella me: "You sonna-wa-bitch wanta fock on the table? Get your ass out of here!"
How comma this christian hotell tella the guest in such bad manner?
So I go to the recetione and ask for the bill. I no wanta stay in this hotel no more.
When I have paid the billa, the portier said to me: "Thank you and pis on you!" - "Piss on you too, you sonna-wa-bitch!" I tella him and: "I now go back to Italia!"
Direttore, I never gonna stay in your hotella no more, you sonna-wa-bitch!