Road Traffic Jokes
|Drunk driver |
The drunk driver says: "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"
|Wife fell out |
On a rural road a state trooper pulled a man over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the man replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on. He said: "It's O.J. again. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations." "Donations!" I said. "How much you got so far?" He said: "About ten gallons."
|First aid |
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said: "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said: "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
|The chauffeur |
One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the driver. "Why don't you let me drive for ones." The driver thinks to himself: "Well I can't say no to this guy, he's the pope." So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope. "Slow down a bit, you might get pulled over." The Pope says: "Ahhh, don't worry about it, I'm the Pope." So he rolls up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says: "Oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can you hold on a minute." The Pope says: "Sure." The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says: "Guys I just pulled over some one really important." They ask who. "The President?" "No more important." "The president of another country?" "No more important." "An ambassador?" "No even more important." "Well who is it?" "I don't know, but the Pope is the chauffeur."
Juan comes up to the US / Mexican border on a bicycle with two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says: "What's in the bags?" "Sand", answered Juan. The guard says: "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks: "What have you got?" "Sand", says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico by coincidence. "Hey buddy", says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his corona and says: "Bicycles."
|Speed trap |
A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exchange. Officer: "May I see your driver's license?" Driver: "I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI." Officer: "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?" Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it." Officer: "This car is stolen?" Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?" Driver: "Yes, sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk." Officer: "There's a body in the trunk?" Driver: "Yes, sir." Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation. Captain: "Sir, can I see your license?" Driver: "Sure. Here it is." The driver's license was valid. Captain: "Who's car is this?" Driver: "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card." The driver owned the car. Captain: "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?" Driver: "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it." Driver: "No problem." Trunk is opened, no body. Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk." Driver: "Yeah, and I'll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding, too!"
|A well-planned retirement |
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, it's parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were for cars 1.40 pound, for buses 7 pounds. Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day off work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll. Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy ... is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own, and then, had simply begun to show up every day, to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about 560 pounds per day - for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 7 million pounds ... and no one even knows his name.
|Hiker on his way to Seattle |
A police officer once say a hiker walking along the road carrying a sign which read "To Seattle." He asked "What are you doing with that?" "I'm walking to Seattle," said the hiker, "and I don't want to lose my way."
|Crash course |
An advertisement for an car school claimed it could teach anyone to drive an car in five minutes or less. I man called them up and asked, "How can you teach anyone to drive in five minutes or less?" They answered. "It's a crash course."
|Shakespeare's birthplace |
A huge American car screeched to a halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a local inhabitant, "Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare's birthplace?" "Ay, straight on, sir," said the rustic, "but no need to hurry. He's dead."
|Don't argue |
This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. "I was only going 40!" the driver protested. "Not according to my radar," the officer replied. "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back. "No you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when hes been drinking."
|Confused at traffic signs |
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns in a foreign state. Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?" Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!" Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful." At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible." Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
|Train engine problems |
A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."
|Caught speeding woman |
"Is there a problem, Officer?" Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding." Woman: "Oh, I see." Officer: "Can I see your License please?" Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." Officer: "Don't have one?" Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving." Officer: "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please." Woman: "I can't do that." Officer: "Why not?" Woman: "I stole this car." Officer: "Stole it?" Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner." Officer: "You what?" Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see." The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Senior officer: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: "Is there a problem sir?" Senior officer: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." Woman: "Murdered the owner?" Senior officer: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please." The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Senior officer: "Is this your car, ma'am?" Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers." The first officer is stunned. Senior officer: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. "The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Senior officer: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner." Woman: "Betcha the lying idiot told you I was speeding too."
|Drunk guys |
Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew they were drunk, so he started the engine, then turned it off again, telling them that they had reached their destination. The first guy gave him money, and the second guy said "thank you", but the third guy gave him a slap. The driver was shocked, thinking the third guy figured out what he'd done. The driver asked: "What was that for?" The drunk replied: "Control your speed next time; you nearly killed us!"
|Lost control |
A man was heading home from work. Unfortunately the bus got cancelled, so he had to call a cab. While sitting in the cab, he noticed that the driver missed a turn in an intersection. The man carefully tapped the driver on his shoulder and said: "Sorry Sir, but..." The driver screamed: "Aaaaahhhh!"and lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, missed a biker, scraped a fire hydrant and stopped just 1 foot from a department store shop window. For a full 3 seconds everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver slowly turned around and said: "Look, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied: "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver. For the last 25 years I've been driving a hearse!"
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en-route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted: "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said: "What would you do?
|Took so long |
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long", he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the backyards." Needless to say the Cabbie was in shocked silence.
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says: "Wow, perfect timing. You're just like Frank." The passenger asks: "Who?" The cabby explains: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." The passenger remarked: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." The passenger said: "Sounds like he was really something special." The cabby replied: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right." The passenger was amazed: "Wow, what a guy!" The cabby continued: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabby: "Oh, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
|Bus home |
Two Irishman, Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub after drinking late one night. Mick says to Paddy: "I can't be bothered to walk all that way." "I know," says Paddy, "but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home." "We could steal a bus from the depot," Mick suggests. They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out... After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts: "Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?" Paddy shouts back: "I can't find a No. 91..." "Oh Jesus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout."
A Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child. The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby: "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here." She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again: "You need to start soon, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here." She continues to try to get her babe to start feeding and finally in a stern tone tells the babe: "This is the last warning, you need to stop being fussy, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here." The man finally gets exasperated and says: "Lady, you need to make up your mind, I was supposed to get off the bus three stops back!"
|Young girl |
Me and my 67 year old dad were riding the bus heading downtown to go to the movies, when a young punk got on. She had spiked, multi-colored hair that was green, purple, and orange. Her clothes were a tattered mix of leather rags, her legs were bare and she was wearing worn-out shoes. Her entire face and body were riddled with pierced jewellery and her earrings were big, bright feathers. She sat down in the only vacant seat that was directly across from us. My dad raised an eyebrow and stared at the girl. Finally, the punk got self-conscious and barked at my dad: "What are you looking at you old fart. Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, my dad replied: "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot I thought maybe you were my daughter."
Three nuns are travelling in a bus when it crashes. All of the nuns died instantly, and find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter is waiting for them. He said to the nuns: "Before I can let you in to heaven you each have to answer a question." To the first nun, St. Peter asks: "Where did Adam meet the first woman?" The Nun replied: "In the Garden Of Eden." St. Peter smiled, heavenly bells rang, and the pearly gates opened. St. Peter then turned to the second Nun and asked: "What was the name of the first woman in the garden of Eden?" The second Nun promptly replied: "Her name was Eve." St. Peter smiled, heavenly bells rang, and the pearly gates opened. St. Peter then turns to the final Nun, and asks: "What did Eve say when she first saw Adam in the garden of Eden?" The Nun was stumped, and stood still for a very long time trying to recall the answer. "Ooh, that's a hard one", she muttered under her breath. St. Peter smiled, heavenly bells rang, and the pearly gates opened."
|Blimd man |
A New Yorker and his wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the 9 kids are able to fit on the bus. After hearing about the predicament, the blind man lets the children get on instead of him. The wife asks her husband to take their youngest in the baby carriage and walk home. Since the blind man had been such a gentleman and let the family get on instead of him, the New Yorker decides that he'll take a detour and walk the blind man home. As the bus drove off, the two men started to walk while the baby slept. After a while, the baby woke up from the sound of the blind man's stick hitting the sidewalk, and started crying. The father, already irritated from missing the bus, got even more frustrated. He said: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That sound is driving me crazy!" The blind man replied: "If you had put rubber at the end of your stick, we'd be riding the bus!"
One day at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin-tight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said: "How dare you touch my body that way. I don't even know you!" Shocked, the man says: "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends."
|Women in a bus |
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "Thats the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me." The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Two English tourists, ask confused why the train doesn't stop at the Central Station. The fellow traveler: "Because they are defusing a bomb." Tourists: "Seriously, a bomb? Do they know who it?" Fellow travelers: "The Royal Air Force."
|Drunk man |
Father John took a seat on the A train in NYC and was disgusted to see a drunk man reading a newspaper sitting across from him. The dishevelled smelly man was wearing a t-shirt with a photo of a naked lady on it and he reeked of alcohol. The drunk stared at the priest for a few minutes and then blurted out: "Father, what causes migraines and kidney stones?" The priest glared at the man and said: "Spending time with loose women and drinking alcohol!" The drunk grunted and went quietly back to his newspaper. After a moment, the priest felt bad and said: "I am sorry. How long have you had these issues for?" The drunk belched and replied: "Nah, it's not me, I'm fine. I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
|No stop in |
A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express. On taking his seat he asked the conductor what time the train reached Gladstone. "There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays," replied the conductor. "What!" Exclaimed the businessman. "There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays." "But it's imperative. I have an important meeting there." The conductor is adamant. "This is the weekly express service and there's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays." After much argument a compromise was reached. The conductor agreed to ask the driver to slow down to 60 kilometres an hour as the train went though Gladstone. He would then hold the businessman out of the carriage window, the businessman could get his legs running in thin air as fast as he could and when the conductor thought his leg speed was sufficient he would lower him down onto the platform. So when the train reached Gladstone this plan was put into action and the businessman hit the platform running at full speed. He ran the full length of the platform, hoping he could stop himself before the end. Just as the last carriage of the train was passing him by, his collar was grabbed by the strong arm of a shearer who heaved him back on-board through an open window. "Welcome aboard, mate," said the shearer, "you were lucky I grabbed ya, there's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays."
|Tickets please |
Three engineers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says: "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says: "Tickets, please!"
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