|Pee in the pool |
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the hotel swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool!" yells the lifeguard. "But everyone pees in the pool", said Little Johnny. "Maybe", said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
It was three o'clock in the morning and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off when a little old lady comes running towards her screaming. "Please come quickly!"she yelled. "I just saw a naked man outside my window!" The receptionist immediately rushes up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?"asked the receptionist. "He's over there", replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looks over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed",she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?" "The dresser, honey!"screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
|Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson |
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
A man and his girlfriend check into a hotel. "I don't know why, but I'm afraid that this room might be bugged with listening devices", the girlfriend tells her boyfriend. "That's crazy, there's nothing to be worried about", the man replies. The girl insists, so he starts to search the room. He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains. When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc. "Wow, you might be right!"the man says as he unscrews the disc from the floor. The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room. "You guys must've had a good time last night", the clerk says laughing. Angry and confused, the man asks: "And how would you know that? Are you using listening devices to track everything we're doing or something!" The clerk replies: "Not at all. It's just that the entire chandelier on the floor below your room came down."
|Helpful Hotel Staff |
On vacation, a man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a snack at the restaurant, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed just then, a train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. But just a few minutes later a train again shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager who says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look, lie here on the bed, you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. He takes one look at the manager lying in bed with his wife and yells, "Hey! What are you doing in here!?" The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years. A few days before the group's annual departure date, John's new wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't allowed to go. John's fishing buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do? Two days later the three get to the camping site, and find John sitting there, his tent up, firewood gathered, and dinner roasting on the fire, and of course, drinking a cold beer. "Wtf, John? How long have you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" "Well", said John. "I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked: "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing nothing but a see-through nightie! She took my hand and lead me into the bedroom, where she'd lit candles and put rose-petals all over the room. You see, she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me (with a wink and a sly smile) to tie her up and cuff her to the bed. So I did. And then she said in a sexy voice: "Do whatever you want!" So, lads, here I am!
This is a great trick to use if you ever have to bunk with a heavy snorer. It seems to work great! Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken. When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager: "You've got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy", admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem", the tired Marine assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How did you sleep?"asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time", said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room", the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said Goodnight, beautiful, and after that he sat up all night watching me."
A 90 year-old man marries a beautiful 25 year-old woman. They go on their honeymoon to beautiful, picturesque Venice, Italy. After a day of sightseeing, they return to their hotel. He turns to his young bride and says: "Honey, I'm tired after all this excitement. I'm going to go to bed. See you in the morning." She say: "Ok", and off he goes to bed, while she stays in the living room of their honeymoon suite. 11pm that night, he comes into the living room and begins to make passionate love to his new wife. Once they finish up, he once again excuses himself and goes back to bed. The young woman is so exhausted, that she falls asleep right there on the couch. 1am that same night, he comes into the living room again, wakes her up again, and they once again make passionate, incredible, mind-blowing love. She's amazed at his stamina and performance, especially for a man as old as he is! This time was better than the last, too! Once again, they finish up and he goes off to bed. She, same as before, passes out on the couch with a smile from ear to ear. 3am that same night, he once again comes into the living room and wakes her, ready to kick off round three. This time, she stops her stallion of a husband and asks him: "Dear, how do you do it? How can you come in here two times already tonight and be ready for a third go?" He looks at her with a twinkle in his eye and says: "I was here twice already?"
|Didn't use it |
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight on an expensive hotel. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for USD 250. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth USD 250 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast." The clerk told her that USD 250 is the standard rate, so she insisted on speaking to the manager. The manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use." "But I didn't use them," she said. "Well they are here and you could have," explained the manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the manager said. "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. "Well, we have them and you could have," the manager replied. No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied: "But I didn't use it!" and the manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The manager surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only USD 50." "That's correct. I charged you USD 200 for sleeping with me," she replied. "But I didn't!" explains the very surprised manager. "Well, too bad, I was here and you could have." Don't mess with senior citizens!
An English lady, making plans for an inexpensive visit to Switzerland, wrote to a country inn for a room reservation. She ended the letter saying she preferred accommodation as close as possible to a WC. You anglophones will recognize WC as a water closet or toilet. The Swiss innkeeper was not that well acquainted with English, so he took the letter to his friend the parish priest and asked: "What is a WC?" The priest mulled this over for a time and then the dawn broke. "I've got it", he said. "Of course she means Wayside Chapel!" Very pleased to have his problem solved, the innkeeper hastened to write to the English lady: Dear Madam, It is with great pleasure that I am able to inform you that we have a lovely room reserved for your visit and that there, indeed, is a WC It is located only two miles from the inn, in beautiful grove of pine trees which gives a feeling of serenity to the visitor. It may surprise you to know that our WC holds over two hundred persons per sitting. It is a good idea to go as early as possible in order to get a good seat, as sometimes only standing room is available, and is especially hard on some of the older ladies. On Sundays, a good number of people take picnic lunches and make a day of it. Others take a bus or horse carriage and usually arrive only just in time. I would recommend Madam arrange to go on Thursday evenings when there is organ accompaniment. Although the building dates back to the 12th century, the acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds may be heard in the halls. We are very proud of our unusual bell, donated by a wealthy visitor, which rings every time someone makes an offering. Unfortunately my wife is not been able to attend regularly, since we don't live that close. Naturally it pains her very much not to be able to go more often. Some come with cheer - some with charity - but all leave satisfied.
|No Exit |
An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the closet, one is the bathroom, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
|Redneck in a big city |
A redneck, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotels clerk about the time of meals. "Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk. "Look here," inquired the farmer in redneck, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"
"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two."No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked."Yeah! That's a good idea", the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
|Redneck in hotel |
A redneck checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?" The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?" The redneck says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. "You must mean the lift," he said. "No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator." "Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts". "Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator." "Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."
|Traveler's wife |
A traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. "Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night." Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!" "Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
|Everything is big in Texas |
There was a little old lady from a small town in America who had to go to Texas. She was amazed at the size of her hotel and her suite. She went into the huge cafe and said to the waitress, who took her order for a cup of coffee, that she had never before seen anything as big as the hotel or her suite. "Everything's big in Texas ma'am," said the waitress. The coffee came in the biggest cup the old lady had ever seen. "I told you, ma'am, that everything is big in Texas," said the waitress. On her way back to her suite, the old lady got lost in the vast corridors. She opened the door of a darkened room and fell into an enormous swimming pool. "Please!" she screamed. "Don't flush it!"
- If you have sex in the pool, use protection.
- Do not stick anything in the jet, especially you dick. Mike will explain.
- Pool hours 10 am - 12 am.
- Always shower before entering the pool.
- Menstruation cycles have been known to attract sharks, so don't jeopardize innocent swimmers.
- Men - no banana hammocks.
- Women - clothing optional.
- Please shower and pee before entering the pool.
- No diving from the second floor or roof, unless you are offended by any of this.
- Never thought a pool could be so cool!
Hotel-Restaurant and Bar Jokes
|Blind man |
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said: "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered: "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit the hotel bar. Upon arriving at the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed: "Wow, these mugs are big!" The bartender replied: "Everything is big in Texas." A little later the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was. The bartender replied: "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and entered the third door. This door led to the swimming pool and he fell in by accident. Scared to death, he started shouting: "Don't flush, don't flush!"
|Medical convention |
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says: "I bet you are a surgeon." She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands." She then says: "I bet you're an anaesthesiologist." Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?" Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."
|Perfect woman |
This guy is dining alone in a hotel restaurant and there's a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He's been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn't have the courage to start talking to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. "Oh my, I am so sorry", she says as she pops her eye back into place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you." So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her room for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her room. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she ordered a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can't believe his luck. "You know", he said. "You are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No", she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
|Drink items |
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks in the hotel bar. While they're Sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The Bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: 1. A salt shaker, 2. A shot of Baileys, 3. A shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue. Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth. And finally you drink the lime juice. So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks, this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it. 1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits. 2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles. 3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits. 4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says: "Jesus what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says: "Blow Job Revenge."
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